The Ol' Ballfield

Swift Boat Veterans for Bloodsockgate

Are you a Massachusetts resident? Are you sick of high taxes, illegal immigrants, the BIG DIG, and queers marrying queers at a rate that would put any Vegas chapel to shame? Are you sick of John Kerry flip-flopping his shit all over your beautiful state constitution? Are you sick of the hours of C-SPAN footage of Ted Kennedy falling asleep on the senate floor? Does Cape Cod look just a little too phallic for your liking? Would you push your own Grandmother down the stairs just to get JFK back in office? Do you think the Pawtucket Red Sox are the only redeeming feature of Rhode Island? Do you get pissed off at the constant stream of hippies commuting to and from Maine? Do you wake up every morning and think to yourself "Man, FUCK Connecticut." Do you read Bill Simmons more regularly than... do you only read Bill Simmons? Most importantly, registered voter in Massachusetts, DO YOU LOVE THE RED SAWX AND HATE THE FUCKING YANKEES?

Registered voter in Massachusetts, when you pick up the paper on November 5, 2008, to read about the previous night's senatorial race results, what do you want to see? What image would give you the most hope? Would it look something, anything, like this?



That's right, Curt Schilling. Whispers of him taking on Kerry in '08 are... whispering. And why not? If there's one non-baseball thing Schilling is famous for, it's siring two children that developed melanoma, a skin cancer that makes sunlight rather dangerous, and then taking a contract in Phoenix, the sunniest city in the United States*. But if there are TWO things, he's famous for his stumping, support, and everything short of physical romantic passion for George W. Bush.



At least we hope he stopped short of physical romantic passion. Because we know that if there's one thing you hate, registered Massachusetts voter, it's queers.

Let's use Wikipedia's Curt Schilling article to help us illustrate, in a Stephen Colbert-ish manner, just why Schilling would be right for Massachusetts.

-We need someone with a cool head.

During a game as a Diamondback in 2001, he destroyed a camera with a bat because he disagreed with their intended purpose.

-We need someone that isn't afraid to tell it like it is.

When Red Sox relief pitcher Scott Williamson began to experience arm pain mid-way through the 2004 season, Schilling reportedly told Williamson to stop "acting." Williamson then lost the remainder of the season to reconstructive arm surgery.

-We need someone that will support the administration.

While with the Phillies, Schilling was a vocal critic of team management, stopping just short of calling the front office incompetent...Schilling campaigned for President George W. Bush in 2004, while the ownership of the Red Sox campaigned for the challenger, Senator John F. Kerry.

-We need someone that will stand behind his colleagues.

He was called to Capitol Hill to testify about steroid use in March of 2005, not as a suspected user but rather as a vocal opponent. However, many were disappointed as he equivocated on his position. Later, he supported having Rafael Palmeiro's stats erased from the record books.

-We need a Pittsburgh Steelers fan that lives in Drew Bledsoe's old house.

Today, Schilling lives in Medfield, Massachusetts, in Drew Bledsoe's old house.

Schilling is a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

But the real point of this is of COURSE Schilling would be better than Kerry. I mean, which of these images strikes you as more courageous? This one or this one? This one or this one?

You, Massachusetts voter, will have to decide in 2008. You will have to decide which is a more important issue: fewer tax cuts that benefit the wealthy, or to “fire everybody and anybody who had anything to do with the Big Dig”?

In an election like this, it may very well come down the character and makeup. And we all know that of the two of them, Kerry has never won the big one. And true Massachusettsites aren't measured in experience on the senate floor, they're measured in moments.

One Schilling quote that didn't make it into the article: "I can't wait to tell 49 percent of the electorate to shut up."

*Yeah, yeah, it's his hometown. We still think this is funny.

posted by Carnival @ 1/26/2007